**This is possibly a trigger warning**
When I was maybe 8 or 9, I had a dream that I was being touched by a male family member. I woke up, and I felt sore. I remember opening my eyes, staring out the window but still seeing his face in my mind's eye. I believe I knew something was off since I was about 5, just because of how I felt about women and men. I knew it was different than what was socially normal or accepted. I remember being 5 years old, and being perfectly ok with lifting my skirt for a boy to see under and him pulling his pants down. Behind a tree at recess, because at 5 years old, I also knew I should not be doing that. I was 5. Then, when I was 6 school was over. Me and another little girl volunteered to stay after to clean off the chalk boards. When the teacher left to walk the kids out, the girl and I hid behind her desk and showed each other our vulvas. Maybe curiosity of a child? I don't know if that is completely normal. But, I could maybe see a kid being curious as they're discovering parts of themselves hidden by clothes. Or, that could just be the part of my brain that is still confused/in denial. Who knows, but I do know that we were hiding because we knew we shouldn't have been doing it. I was incredibly ashamed of this when thinking back as an adult. It's still uncomfortable to think about, but I feel less ashamed of it.
I clearly blocked it after that dream at 8 or 9 years old, because I do not recall ever thinking about that time in my life until I was 24. Nor did I ever mention it to anyone to that point. I was in an unhealthy relationship with the guy I mentioned in My First Act of Self Love entry. That relationship, as I eluded to in that entry, was the most influential relationship of my entire life because of the layers and connection. It wasn't like any other I've experienced, and while I have moved on mentally, emotionally there were blocks when dating. I also believe our relationship was meant for me, because it triggered all of those thoughts and emotions from being a child. This relationship was fun and I could be myself around him completely, but it was also super sex heavy. That relationship thrived off of the sexual aspect of it, and that was extremely unhealthy. It is a huge reason I am turned off when a man I'm getting to know talks about sex and him being pleasured. It literally makes me want to punch him in the throat...but, namaste. I've had my moments when I ignored that and got hurt because...sex. Don't get me wrong! Sex is enjoyable, but I view it as a special moment between me and the person I choose to give my body to. Which is why I don't have a lot of past sex partners. And the most enjoyable part to me, is being close and touching skin. The actual act of sex is pleasurable of course, but not as much as being close and sharing that moment...I hope that makes sense. I was in an LTR before him, but I didn't have disturbing thoughts or off feelings with him. And I think it was because this relationship I was in now, was reminiscent of the male family member. It was the fact that I was most enjoyable to be around to him, was when we had sex. When he was being satisfied. And, he was also having sex with other women. I just saw 'sex is important, and I am an object. I have to give this man my body to keep this relationship going, even though it should be completely over'. He was manipulative, brought about verbal abuse and on a couple occasions physical. A huge part of me knew this was not ok. To be treated this way by someone, the lack of genuine love and respect for me. But, I was so insecure and lost the genuine love and respect I had for myself at this point, so it was a lost cause until I moved.
I was lying in bed with him one morning, and I told him "I think me and *not naming* were molested when we were little." He was the first person I shared that with. While it seemed like I knew what was happening because of my actions and decisions in this relationship, I didn't consciously know at the time that he was causing me to remember this. He encouraged me to talk to my Mom about it, which I did. She listened and didn't know of anything. I put it down for 5 years.
I got depressed in 2014, and of course when you're depressed the ugliest thoughts come up. And the past crept in again, because I was feeling unworthy. I talked to another family member about it, who expressed their concerns regarding it as well, because they were involved. I felt relieved knowing I wasn't crazy! Fast forward to 2016, involved with another guy who triggered it. It. Drove. Me. Crazy. In the head. If you see any photos of me from Summer 2016 to about Late Summer 2017 I was so small. I was not eating much, and I was already working out like a maniac. It wasn't on purpose, I seriously did not have an appetite and I'd try to eat, but would feel nauseous. That whole situation literally made me sick (my intuition sometimes speaks to me as certain body parts reacting negatively in certain situations - more on that in another entry). I'd lost about 18 lbs, I looked good so I was happy about that (haha) but it wasn't the way to go about it. When it was over, it put me in darkness for 4 months straight. I wish I was exaggerating. Mariah Carey's Charmbracelet helped to get me though that. I'd come home from work, go straight to my room with the lights out and repeat the next day or call out of work. It was the first time I pointed the finger at myself and I felt ashamed and upset with myself because in the process of that mess, I put a huge strain on a friendship I valued. I also set myself back with all the work I'd done! I started taking accountability for my decisions of getting involved with men who are emotionally and mentally immature and act like trash. I had the choice to not be involved, knowing I shouldn't have (body reactions), but I thought it would be different. It was not. After 4 months, I got my shyte together. I had to. I was calling my Mom or my good friend Abby, crying talking about the same thing almost everyday! I was annoying myself.
I started being creative again, and started working on Shapes, and throughout the process of creating that, I got my groove back and was up and running. I stopped dating for a year and a half and went back to the roots I learned to go back to. The last guy who triggered it (2018), it wasn't TOO bad of a mental and emotional attack. I mean, I was homeless and unemployed at the time so that was an added stressor haha, so in an emotional space I reached out to another friend, Jenna, who talked to me about trying therapy. This was the second time she'd told me this, and I considered it and it took me a year to actually go forth with it.
How my molestation trauma was confirmed, was through a spiritual reader in February 2020. While looking at a card, she asked me what happened to me when I was little that ruins my relationships. I told her what I thought, and she said 'why do you think it, and not know?' I'm like...tf? Because I was 4 and probably suppressed it. I said that minus the 'tf' part...although she probably read my energy on that lol. A little time passed, and she said soon someone in my family was going to tell me a long family secret. I didn't think anything of it at all because I had no clue what she could be talking about. The next day I called my Mom and told her that the reader asked me about my childhood and I think it was related to being molested when I was a kid. My Mom finally told me the truth, and who the family member is...which is who I figured. Finally! I knew! She told me she didn't know how to tell me when I would ask, and hoped I would forget. I felt a sense of relief because I officially knew I wasn't crazy, and knew why I wasn't attracting the types of men or relationships I wanted, and my thoughts about certain kinds of men. I felt like I had the answer I needed to move forward. It was a huge step in the right direction for me. And since then I have felt SO MUCH BETTER. I was newly dating one man during this time of learning the facts for about a month and a half, and had to walk away from that because he was sex heavy and it creeped me out. And in April after about a month or so of dating I had to walk away from another one because of his extreme lack in communication and passiveness. I discuss communication at some point...it's SO vital to all types of relationships. I digress.
But in walking away from both of them I felt fine with it. I felt stronger, because I know what I want and if I communicate with you and vise versa and the other isn't attempting to make it work...why bother? I was more than ok with that, whereas in the past I was nervous to not have what I'd been comfortable in.
How we react in certain situations or dealing with certain people, it's for a reason. Why is it you're constantly up in arms when someone offers constructive criticism? Why does someone lying to you bother you more than it would the next person? Why does the smell of a certain food make you feel sick to your stomach? Could be something small, could be something huge. But our minds and bodies remember things for a reason, because it caused enough of an impact to make a difference in your life whether you remember it or not. If it's negatively impacting your life, I do encourage you to seek help to figure it out and lay it to rest so you can move on and live freely. And by help, I'd like to suggest that in a form of spiritual help.
Even in the beginning process of laying this down, it's extremely liberating and I'm not even done yet! Don't allow your past to hold you back from your future. Live freely.
<3 Tenacious.Femme