*as you can see this has been updated. Updated a few days ago to shoutout my awesome brother for his support as well. And edited now, to let you know that :) nothing else has changed, and nothing will.
As I write this I am on day 40 of healing through a break up. When you read this it will be day 42. Exactly 6 weeks post break up. This is probably one of the most annoying processes to move through. I also feel like sometimes people like to front or act like they are good when they would rather lie on train tracks. I know I'm being dramatic, but I'm an actress - this is what you get sometimes. Our brain processes the break up as if we are grieving the death of that person while they are simply just a phone call away. I've done a lot of googling :).
He and I were there for one another through a hand full of some real life experiences, and the relationship felt much longer than it actually was because it moved pretty quickly. I remember on our year anniversary I felt like it was 2 years! So the transition from him being a huge part of my life to him not being a part of my life at all was jolting. It has been the worst and hardest break up because I love him in a way I hadn't experienced before and genuinely care for him. No matter what he and I went through, it doesn't deter me from wanting him back in my life in that capacity...the problem is, that isn't the reality so I have to learn to adapt to the life I had before him. Why is that so hard? It was almost 2 years of him and I, and before him I was single for 10 years. 10 years. I feel like I should be able to bounce back easily! Nope.
The connection we had was magic to me. This is one of those annoying ass timing things. We always would say "our relationship is 98% good", but that 2% was always lingering and something we tried to push past but could not. 2% bad sounds really good doesn't it?! On paper. But 2% sometimes felt like 50%.
It was mutual, initiated by me. You know when you just feel something hanging on by a thread...because you're not ready to let that person go. But, we sometimes have to let other people go so we don't lose ourselves in the process. That first week was a mix of denial and regret. Second and third weeks... the complete worst of this entire process. I was HORRIBLE at not reaching out. I wanted us to figure it out. I mean, I still do. When I tell you my theme song for those first few weeks could have been Aint Too Proud to Beg by the Temptations, it couldn't be more of the truth. But I got a hold of myself and finally stopped reaching out after about 3 weeks. Because something clicked that was hard to register in that state of mind - "this person no longer wants you in that way. This is it. It is over. Take the little bit of dignity you have left, and let him have what he needs. And you get yourself together." And I began to realize I was not respecting what it was he needed. But most importantly...I was not respecting myself.
Fourth week I was the strongest I'd been. No reaching out. I finally got the courage to delete the text thread without crying (safety is my Mac), the contact (know his number by heart), and the photos. But let's be honest...the photos are chillin' in the virtual trash can, so if I have any regrets 'select all, recover all'. And I have about 14 days left to recover them...and honestly, I'll probably recover them. But I will say, to not have them pop up on your iPhone memories is super helpful. Even though I have safety nets for all of this deleting, to have these things out of sight and not have the urge to just be able to easily click and there it is...was relieving and healing. I think it's a mental thing.
Wouldn't you know, I energetically released myself the best way I could and after 8 days of no contact he calls. I almost didn't answer because it was no longer a contact, and in the same second I recognized the number. I was hoping it was a 'let's figure this out call' but it was an hour long catch up and a nice and calm and normal conversation. Something we hadn't had in the more than 4 weeks we'd been broken up. It was so nice. The longer the conversation went, which was about an hour, in the silences I was hoping for an 'I miss you' or 'I want to do the work so this can work''. It ended with a 'have a great weekend', and that was it. I thought I could agree and 'be friends'. Realistically, that was me holding on to a small sense of us as best I could knowing damn well I was not emotionally ready for that. I spent the next 2 days going about life as normal and keeping busy, hoping I'd hear from him again. I didn't. I made the call trying to figure out what 2 days ago was about, and quickly learned I was in a Humpty Dumpty moment. Back to the drawing board of healing.
Here we are, as you read this 6 weeks later. It gets easier, but it's still hard. I know that's a weird explanation...but that's just how it is. I've had days when I've literally done nothing but cry and hope that his phone call will interrupt it. I've had days when I've stayed inside all day and comforted myself with foods that I've been avoiding because they don't make me feel good. But most of these 42 days have been productive. I have taken care of myself. Comforted myself in healthier ways. Moved my body to keep a flow of energy going. Spent time with friends, which is something I always needed to be better at even before being in a relationship. I am proud to say that, because after the worst relationship I've ever been in, I moved to a whole new state and had a different type of healing. And the last situationship I was in had me depressed in the darkness and my bed for 3 months straight and I truly wish I was exaggerating. Most of that was anger at myself for getting involved with someone who was so shitty. But with this...the healing process has been different. I am taking better care of myself, while also allowing the random cries in the car to happen. Nurturing the part of me that hurts in a healthier way (even though I've had slip ups...they happen). But I don't beat myself up over them. I let them happen, and I regulate them still. I am practicing patience with myself. I am practicing grace for myself. Things I never thought of during times like this. I am allowing myself to lean on my friends, and most of them have been there. I was always the 'strong friend', and the experience of being the one who needs a shoulder has been so helpful. I will shout out my Mom, sister, and brother because they have been the strongest and most reliable ear and shoulder throughout this whole process.
I would have never thought this is how I'm healing after a break up with someone I want to spend my life with. I thought it'd be MUCH worse. I think what does help is knowing who we were to one another in the relationship, and that the type of love we shared I got to experience. And not even just the love, the entire experience as a whole is something I would do again even if I knew this is how it'd be. Because there is so much learning in this. There's so much self reflection in this. So much good in it. So much everything in it. The most annoying thing you can say to someone is 'there are plenty of fish in the sea' or the like...like...thanks, I am well aware. I have thought about trying these other fish, and the almost close encounters made me sick to my stomach that I halted them. In my opinion, the worst thing you can do (depending on the reason for break up and how you felt for the person) is to try to instantly replace said person. It's a distraction, and doesn't allow you to deal with the feelings and emotions and to process this new life transition. I thought that's what I needed...my gut said, 'Nah girl. You need to sit in these feelings and take care of you.' And that I did, and am doing. So easy to take the route of entertaining others. At the end of the day, it's not my intention of using other people to get through my stuff nor do I genuinely want that.
Who and what I want I no longer get to experience. And that is how I have to move through this until I'm ready for his friendship and to meet who my person actually is.
Love is many things. Love is beautiful. The love I give is beautiful. Love is wanting to be there for people in their ugly moments and their shadow selves. We were that for one another until it couldn't be that anymore. Love is looking at yourself in the mirror and saying 'I can be better and I want to be better. For myself, for you, and for us.' Sometimes people don't accept the greatness they can have because they don't accept the parts of them they don't want to see. We truly prevent ourselves from receiving greatness when we don't accept all of who we are...and fall into self sabotaging. Which is why for many years I so often talk about self awareness, self love, and self acceptance.
Self acceptance opens us up to a level of truth that hiding ourselves from ourselves, won't do. You can have all the self awareness in the world, but if you do nothing about it...what is the point? Everyone can benefit from these last several sentences. In so many different aspects of life, not just relationships.
We are all worthy of the good we desire, goals, etc. The tough part is getting out of your way, but you have to face the mirror first. It's easy to love the parts of you that everyone else loves and accepts. But to really dive in and look at the parts of yourself you hide out of shame or fear is truly work. It's work I started on myself over 10 years ago, and work I'm still doing today...which is why I have very little shame. I'll tell you mostly anything about myself, because I am a human being always striving to be better, and I understand the same for most people. Every time you remove a layer, there is another one that shows itself. I just shared with you all how I begged for someone to be in my life. That experience and the relationship showed me there are parts of me that needs tending to, and I have been tending to them. No matter how much we care for someone, there should not be a point we lose respect for ourselves for them. Another layer. The truth of the matter is, we all have shit we need to work on. All of us. Work on it. I know I'm not some doctor or psychologist, but life teaches you a lot if you pay attention and apply. I believe that if he and I both actively work on our things, we'd be top tier magic together. We were always my favorite couple regardless of our things, so I can only imagine how I'd feel about us once we collectively got our shit even the tiniest bit together! No one is perfect, and I will stand by the side of the the most imperfect person if they were aware of their shadows and worked on at least managing (except abuse, people gotta work on that while being single) - that goes for all kinds of relationships. But reality is I'm single, I'm focusing on myself, and I'm trying to get these consistent acting jobs out here you feel me?!
Shoutout to everyone who doesn't act like they're good when they're hurting inside. Shoutout to everyone who, despite how they are feeling inside, keep pushing forward. And shoutout to everyone who caters to how they feel inside and sit in it. Just don't sit too long, your greatness is needed. Thank y'all for reading <3