On May 11, 2010, I sat on my bed in my room. Fuming mad, angry crying some time after midnight because I learned my boyfriend of…I mean, I don’t know what he was at that point. We’ll call it a complicated relationship of almost 3 years. Anyway, I’d just learned...I mean snooped and learned, he had a girlfriend of two months after telling me he couldn’t be IN a relationship. Although, it was as if we were in one…one of many mistakes I made with him as a young twenty something.
A little snippet about our relationship; we knew almost every personal detail about one another. It was such an unhealthy relationship, but we connected so deeply. I felt comfortable sharing my life with him. We had good sex, he made me laugh a lot…until he made me cry even more. He motivated me…until he was jealous or manipulative. I allowed myself to be naked with him on so many levels. I dove into him, and it took almost 2 years to resurface.
OK, back to the girlfriend he had...I logged into his email by ‘forgetting password’. I had to guess the security questions…and may I remind you, we knew every personal detail of one another, so of course I answered correctly. It was disgusting and gut wrenching the emails I found on there. You know the nauseous feeling in your stomach and you’re almost stunned? Nude photos from women, d*ck picks to women, setting up dates with women in different states, and the email from the woman I was finally looking for. Ladies, some men can do stupid things…like talking about a new lady friend as if that is not going to spark all kinds of suspicion. And, of course it did. He talked about her as if she was a homeboy, like…you just met her, how do you know she's so great? He and I were supposed to get together on Cinco de Mayo. He cancelled on me and said he had to take his daughter that evening. But the emails read otherwise, and he was with the new lady friend...and his daughter. I. Was. Floored.
After that, I immediately went online to look for a job in North Carolina. I knew I HAD to get out of Ohio. In my mind, that was the only way to end my communication with him. It was my first remembered act of Self Love. I moved to North Carolina June 12, 2010…but guess who drove down with my family and I to help me move. Yeah. Him. I know, it’s terrible. So, the intention was there….it just took some time to end it. We all have our process. Don’t judge 24 year old me. This ugliness lasted until October 26th of that year. The day before my 25th birthday. I had HAD it with his dude. I could no longer tolerate his manipulative and sneaky ways. His lies. His jealousy. I mean, all of the emotional and mental abuse! It no longer effected me in the ways it used to, though. It took some time, even being away from him for a few months. But it finally happened. He said the ugliest things to me on my 25th birthday. I knew he was trying to ruin my day, before he even admitted it to me. He must have sent me 30 plus texts, called me about that many times, and he left a handful of voicemails. I didn’t listen to all of them, but the few I did were literally our relationship — anger, sweet, manipulative. A fuggin Sour Patch Kid relationship; SSDD. Ignored.
This is how I finally let it go…
I had family in N.C., but at this point I was on my own. After a few months staying with my cousin in Greensboro, I got my own apartment in Winston-Salem. I started doing things on my own (I was uncomfortable eating alone or doing anything alone when I lived in Ohio because I was so used to being with someone - friends, boyfriend, family) I started finding my independence being in North Carolina. I know it sounds silly now, especially because I have no problem doing a damn thing by myself at this point in my life…but in N.C. I went to restaurants by myself, the movies, gym, whatever I had to do. I purposely didn’t really want any friends. I met people through work, but didn’t hang out with them for some time. I really just wanted to be by myself. I did not trust anyone other than my family down there. I had a tv, but I didn’t have cable or internet so I watched a lot of DVDs, but I also did a lot of thinking. Writing. Reading. I learned myself! I was like…’Wow, welcome back old Jessica. But, you’re like a 2.0 Version!’
That is what happens when you truly take the time to be alone. I mean, I basically isolated myself…I had no choice but to go through a remarkable growth and rebirth process. I always believe that North Carolina was the place that challenged me and gave me a solid foundation for a better version of myself…even better than the me I was before abusive relationships. There are some friends I have who sometimes say to me ‘You shouldn’t be alone’ or ‘You should get out more’, when I’m in an off space…what they do not know, since they do not know my story…is that is how I healed myself in the beginning. Isolation. I need to get myself together and regroup. Figure out what is going on, feel my feelings, be ugly, be what I needed to be to pull myself back up. I actually suggest to people to be alone so they can sort themselves or things out. You can’t much do that being surrounded by the noise of everyone else who do not understand what you’re going through. While their advice may be filled with good intentions, I am a strong advocate of feeling feelings. Because if you don’t, you are stifling them and you are going to blow, over time. I am a strong advocate of being alone for a little bit (as long as you’re not a harm to yourself), because your moods and energy can effect others. That is another reason I do it…I don’t want to subject my friends to the wild energy I have going on. That shyte is real whether you believe it or not. It used to take me a few months (yikes!) to sit in my feelings (mainly life/career goals at this point), now it's down to about a week, sometimes just shy of. That time spent, all depends on how well I'm taking care of myself on all levels; mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
That’s how my journey began. I went from being a confident, loving, super social butterfly to a weak, angry, insecure, and closeted person…because of unhealthy relationships, but more importantly neglecting to love and care for myself. The work that goes into getting yourself out of that mental and emotional space is hard. It’s a long process. A process that helped me get to the root of the problem; past trauma. I've dated here and there since 2010, slipped up once. And had to relearn the hard way, but after that I am proud of myself that I now walk away from men and possible situationships that do not serve me well. There's trust there or there isn't. That includes the snooping. That is also unhealthy. We cannot allow anyone to get in our way, in any circumstance. While there may be lessons to learn...realize/accept it, drop it, and move on.
I look forward to sharing my Self Love journey, because not only does it help me…but it helps others. And that makes me feel good
<3 Tenacious.Femme