Hi! I'm actually Jessica M. Legrair (duh, right?). Tenacious.Femme is who I've been stepping into more over the last few years. Tenacious meaning persistent in maintaining, or seeking something valued or desired. Strong. Powerful. Femme meaning woman in French. I have experienced people, situations, and relationships that have shaped me to who I am to be, and I continue to choose to learn from my experiences where necessary.
Summer of 2007 set me up to go through damn near 10 years of so much darkness, to bring me to who I am today. Prior to that I was a social butterfly, full of energy, unbothered by most things, not really experiencing anything life changing or challenging. Literally enjoying the hell out of life, being carefree! Positive and confident. What I wanted, I got it because I didn't believe in 'no'. I believed in 'not right now', and that whatever I was after I'd have eventually. Sheltered in a sense, from really feeling anything painful other than the passing of a family member and even that was few and far between. Summer of 2007 consisted of family problems, which took my drinking, to a whole different level. I began to drink to mask what I was feeling, and would hope that when I went out someone would start something with me, man or woman, so I could take my anger out on them instead of dealing with my feelings, sober, with the people I should have been talking to. Also during that time, a 6 year relationship was barely holding on, and when that finally ended it I walked right into the arms of someone who had major issues himself. Under the surface was the nice, fun, loving Jessica who I wanted to be so badly, but I was so angry. Too angry to see this new relationship I was walking into was complete trash that lasted for 3 years. Too angry to care that some of my friends no longer wanted to be around me if I was drinking...but sober Jessica is cool af! Too angry to think straight, really. It took a very bad and terrifying drunken night at a party I hosted, which my brother recorded to show me the next day. The most embarrassing moment for me...I couldn't even finish watching it. I did not know who that person was! I embarrassed so many people, hurt my family, and my good friend cut ties with me (temporarily) as she was one of the people I embarrassed. This sounds so crazy, but the cool af Jessica was watching that inside the body of angry drunk Jessica. I saw everything, and couldn't control it although I wanted it all to stop. I saw the hurt on my Mom's face, and I just kept digging. That night made me turn around and I stopped drinking for the rest of that year, and into the following year. The party was in February 2009.
It took almost two years for me get my shit together, and really...that wasn't even all of it. But the most important part was that I'd stopped drinking and took care of myself. I didn't need to drink before to have fun, why do I need to now? The friends that still wanted to hang out with me after that, respected my decisions and were supportive. I'm grateful for them, and the friends who needed to protect their space. I have long since got all my friends back haha, in case you were wondering. That Summer of 2007 was the foundation of my growth process. My perspective changed so much just from putting down the alcohol and dealing with the real problem. I moved to N.C. in June 2010, and being there really shaped me. I experienced some shady ass men there too, it was becoming a pattern. A pattern that I eventually learned why it was continuing. But, I was growing more, so it didn't effect me as it did in Summer of 2007. I think of N.C. as the place where I planted and began to bloom. Those roots are strong, and help me when I need to revert back to where I gained my strength and how. I moved to Los Angeles in June 2013, and for a couple years I did well. I was still running off those N.C. roots, until I met someone who was supposed to be my friend and it flipped me on my back for half of 2017. That situation brought me back to Summer 2007 in a sense of I turned to substances to mask again, but it was different this time. I was peaceful in that. I learned, along the way that I cannot project and take my anger out on other people. I have to deal with this myself because it's me. No one else. For the most part, I have been doing well. I certainly have my moments, but I learned how to deal with them and I no longer turn to substances to mask. And I do my best 99% of the time to protect people from what I'm dealing with. It's growth within growth.
Of course there is more to all of that and then some, but I will share those as I see fit. One thing is 100%, that all of that experience has led me to be something like a self care and self love advocate. On this blog I'll share my journey to loving my true self and caring for myself, in hopes of bringing some enlightenment and inspiration to anyone else who may be struggling to find that true aspect of self love and care. What I've learned throughout the journey, is that there are layers to both.
I believe that if we all truly loved ourselves, and truly took care of ourselves it would create a domino effect of love we'll outpour to others and our world we live in. Omg, that sounds like such a Miss America response...but like, it's true.
<3 Tenacious.Femme